I can't live without you
by chocolatecake01
Summary: [ fix-it.] merder 11x21 one shot. "They found each other again, and somehow that was everything."


**Not my first fic but the first one I am posting, hope you guys enjoy it as much as I loved writting it. This is how 11x21 should have ended.**

 **Disclaimer: All the characters belong to Shonda & ABC I am just... Borrowing them?**

* * *

 _I can live without you._

Those words kept sounding in her head. She couldn't stop it.

It was like her brain had life of its own.

But that was how it worked, when we don't want to think about something we end up not being able of getting the thought out of hour minds.

She could hear her own voice mixed with the sound of her heart racing against her chest.

It almost hurt.

She was nervous. And she hated not knowing what was going on.

She couldn't stand it.

 _If you die, I die._

It was a different sentence now, another moment. The image of her husband laying on the cold and white floor of the hospital. Lots of blood on his chest. On her own hands.

Her husband's blood.

She was a surgeon. She was used to blood. She was supposed to like blood. But in that moment, blood seemed like the scariest thing in the entire world.

She remembers how he tried to fight, to stay awake. The memory of his blue eyes trying to stay open haunted her. She felt like everything was spinning around her. So many memories.

It made her sick.

Two voices, but a lot of things had been said.

 _If you die, I die._

Her heart skipped a beat.

For all she knew, her husband could be dead already.

Was she going to survive?

The truth was that she couldn't imagine a world without Derek Shepherd on it. She didn't want anyone else. She just wanted him. She needed him to hold her hand right now, because even if she had survived a drowning or a plane crash; Even if she had survived an incredible amount of bad things, the back seat of that car was cold and scary.

 _I can live without you._

 _Meredith. I can't live without you._

Could she live without him? She could live with him being safe at the other side of the country. She could live knowing that he was doing what he loved. She coiuld live knowing that he was happy.

But could she live in a world without him?

Definitely not.

She looked down at her hands, there wasn't any blood, but they felt dirty. Her own mind was starting to play games. Or she was going crazy. She didn't know what was real and what wasn't anymore; but she had been through enough things already. She wanted to get off the caroussel. She wanted Derek to make the room stop spinning.

"We are almost there." The police officer said. Zola and Bailey were sleeping next to her. It was too late for them to be awake; and even if it made her a bad mother, she didn't want to tell them what had happened. Not yet. Not when they had finally gotten their daddy back. She was not going to take him away from them now.

A few minutes later the car stopped.

Her heart skipped another beat.

She helped Zola and Bailey to get out of the car, but soon after they walked into the hospital a social services worker took them to daycare with some balloons or whatever. She felt cold and alone. But that was the best thing for them. She remembers being at the hospital when her mom tried to kill herself. The hospital had been her sanctuary, as a five year old she was used to basically living on it.

But that night, she just wanted to go home. That night the hospital felt like the worst place in the entire world.

Meredith stepped into the elevator and closed her eyes, letting out a deep breath.

"You can do this." His voice said in her head. "It will be over in a few seconds." He added.

She remembers imagining him the day of the bomb. He had been all she wanted. And right now, Meredith just needed to lay by his side, his strong arms around her and forget about everything.

What seemed like the longest elevator ride finally ended when the metalic doors opened.

Soon after that, her eyes found a red-head doctor standing in front of her.

"Are you Dr Shepherd's wife?" She asked. Meredith read her name on her lab coat. Dr Penny Blake.

"Yes." Was the only sound she could manage to get out.

 _Is he a alive_? She wanted- She _needed_ to ask. But she didn't. Because she didn't want to get the answer that scared her the most.

She was a doctor. She knew what they said to the families. She had done it, with Derek, tons of times. People die in the OR. People die after a car crash.

People die everyday. And life goes on. She lost her mom, George and Lexie. People leave.

And life just goes on.

But she had Derek.

Is life actually going to go on without him?

 _I am so sorry for your loss._

 _We did everything we could._

She was not ready to hear that just yet.

She followed the red head doctor through a long corridor in an awkward silence.

Then, they stopped at the room 256.

The doctor looked at her.

"He's been through a major trauma. I don't think he will wake up anytime soon. Maybe in a few hours."

 _Wake up._

He was going to wake up?

Her heart raced in her chest. She felt like someone had been hugging her so tight she could barely breathe.

But Derek _was_ alive.

And that someone left.

"He is okay?" She asked, almost laughing and sobbing at the same time. She looked at the celing, trying to control herself from breaking down in front of the girl.

"Yes. He perfectly made it through the surgery. "She explained."You didn't know?" The doctor frowned.

"No one told me. I... I didn't want to ask either. " she admited.

The red head gave her a soft smile and opened the door.

"Your husband will be okay."

He was going to be okay.

He was going to _live_.

And somehow, that was _everything_.

* * *

Derek was sure he had never felt worse in his entire life. And he had been through a lot. And he remembered this feeling. The one you get when you wake up in an hospital bed and your body can't take anything else. But even after being shot or making it through a plane crash, it hadn't been this bad.

He tried to open his eyes, but he found himself closing them again thanks to the annoying white light that greeted him every time he woke up in that position.

"Ugh." He groaned, and seconds later he heard some movement. A warm pair of hands wrapped around his right arm. And that smell.

He knew that smell.

 _Lavender_.

"Derek?" Her voice seemed to be so far away, but at the same time, so close. He wanted her, he wanted Meredith. He needed to see her. He remembers seing a truck and then a lot of images of his wife's face. They say that when you are about to die you see all your life in pictures. But he just saw the thing he loved the most.

Meredith. Her beautiful green eyes. And that smile. He wanted to see her again. To make sure this wasn't a dream. To make sure everything was okay. The moment he saw the truck he had known it. Something bad was about to happen. They didn't deserve that. She didn't deserve that.

For her, just for her, he tried to open his eyes again. Everything around him was blurred, he felt so tired, but at the same time, he wanted more.

His eyes looked for her.

"Hey, I am here." Her hand touched his cheek softly. It was amazing how, just by doing that she made it all feel better. "Derek. " She called for him again." It's okay." She whispered. She was tired and her voice was off. "You can do it. You can wake up. We'll be fine."

And in that moment, he knew that no matter what, they would be fine. Because they loved each other, in a really, really big way no one but them could understand.

And they were still alive.

As a neurosurgeon, he knows what a car crash like that does to your brain. But he seemed to be fine. It seemed like they would go back to their normal lives very soon. And that was all te proof he needed to know, that they could beat everything.

Including death.

After all, she came back from it just for him.

He opened his eyes again, this time, he could recognise the hospital room, and sitting next to him, his wife. When they looked at each other they knew there was no need of words. They just smiled. She held his hand, squeezing it softly and they just stood there for at least a minute. Just like that.

"I am glad you are okay." She whispered.

"Me... Me too." He replied in a very tired tone.

"Don't scare me like that ever again." She ordered, Meredith was bossy. And he was okay with obeying that.

"We beat death... Again." He smirked.

"Yeah. I guess... I guess we did." She smiled, she jumped on the bed curling up against him. She felt relieved. She had never felt this relieved in her entire life.

"I love you." They were not that kind of couple, the couple that is all the time telling each other how they feel. But in that moment she was grateful to hear that.

"I love you too." She breathed, pausing for a few seconds.

I can live without you.

"I know I said I could live without you. But I can't live in a world without you." She admited.

And that, was all he needed to hear.

"I can't live without you, or in a world where Meredith Grey doesn't exist."

She didn't reply to that. Because finally, that was it. They knew that without each other, they were nothing. Without him, she was just ordinary.

And all she wanted to be, was extraordinary with him.

And she was not going to move. She was not going to wait for him.

Not anymore, at least.

Because Meredith knew that he would always be _right there._

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